God sucks

I’ve been thinking a lot about religion lately. 

Mostly because God is objectively a really horrible person. I’ve got my Bible RIGHT here and I will be quoting from it throughout. (By bible I actually mean bible quotes on the internet, because it is hard to copy and paste from paper onto computer screen. and by hard i mean actually impossible). Most people approach god-is-not-real from a logical perspective. I’m approaching it from a moral perspective.

First I ask you to leave your sanctimonious perception of God at the door. Let’s just look at this book objectively. If it wasn’t God saying this, is this really something you want to read to your kids?

1. God thinks he created the universe in 7 days. Nigga pleez. That is worse than Al Gore saying he created the Internet. 




You know, when this happens these days, we take these people, call them psychos, and either put them in the mental hospital or they get a lethal injection. When this happened 5,000 years ago or whenever, we called them prophets and put them in the BIBLE as a testament to how you should love God more than anyone else.

But what kind of a God asks you to kill your own CHILD? YOUR ONLY CHILD? WHAT. 

3. 10: And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. 

27: A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them.

Speak unto Aaron, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God. 
18: For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, 
19: Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, 
20: Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;

God is saying a few things here. One, kill all adulterers. Like, put them to death. By throwing a bunch of rocks at them until they die. in other words, kill them slowly and painfully and make the whole town participate. (WHAT! WHAT! WHO WROTE THIS?). Number two, kill wizards and witches; i.e., wizards and witches exist. Which leads us to the question, if God created the whole world, who created those wizards and witches, hrmmm? Also, God believes in wizards and witches? Seriously? Isn’t that just proof that some dumbass who DID believe in wizards and witches wrote this book? AND NUMBER THREE, MOST IMPORTANTLY, DWARFS AND HUNCHBACKS AND BLINDMEN AND FREAKS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO WORSHIP GOD. 

who the eff does God think he is? What, he’s too good for the freaks that HE SUPPOSEDLY CREATED? And if all of this stuff is legit, then why would I want to worship someone who is clearly a HORRIBLE PERSON? He is sexist and able-ist and quite violent, actually, remember when he killed Lot’s wife (turner her into a pillar of salt, actually) just because she looked back at a pile of destruction?


God is a mean bully. 

Also like 3/4 of the old testament is just about very specific instructions around sacrificing animals on altars, and specific instructions on like what direction to face and when to take the feathers off and how to sprinkle the blood so God doesn’t get all upset.

God is finicky and has OCD and is a little biatch. 

Oh, oh, and the ark! the ark! I forgot about the ark! HOW COULD I FORGET ABOUT THE ARK?

The ark is the present day equivalent of God nuking the ENTIRE WORLD except for one zoo and one zookeeper’s family. Yes. That is it. Because there was not a SINGLE PERSON LEFT IN THE ENTIRE WORLD who deserved to live except for this one zookeepers family. No babies, no children, no old people, nobody. No other priests, no beggars, no hermits living in the mountains, not the nice lady at the salon, not the busboy who always cleans up your shiz, nobody. They all deserved to die. 

I MEAN, WHAT. WHY ARE WE TEACHING THIS TO OUR CHILDREN? VIOLENCE AND MURDER AND AN ALL-OUT wipe-out of the entire human race was the only solution? seriously? are you effing kidding me? 

do you know who that sounds like to me? That sounds like the late Kim Jong Il. Yeah. That crazy dictator. I mean really, God, did everyone deserve to die? And IF THEY WERE ALL SO EVIL, was killing them really the only solution? Really? You’re God. Couldn’t you have sent a legion of angels to teach and change them?

No. Because God does not believe in psychology or science or education. 

And don’t say that thats because maybe psychology and science and education are all false idols of present day secularism, NO. IT’S BECAUSE GOD WAS WRONG, DON’T YOU SEE? take off your religious blinders. Consider, for a second, that you’re not going to Hell if you think these thoughts. What do you come up with?

Okay, so maybe God wasn’t wrong. Maybe it was the people who wrote the Bible that were wrong, maybe they misinterpreted a lot of God’s thoughts and actions. But then, what parts of the bible are trustworthy? 


If God said and did all that stuff in the Bible, the only logical conclusion I can come up with, is that God sucked. 




I gave up Christianity for Lent

Lent is about sacrificing vices. It’s about giving up that which you rely on most to see if you can hack it without your addiction.

So, i thought to myself, what am I most addicted to in life? What do I rely on the most?

It wasn’t that hard to figure out. I grew up in Texas, in a highly religious family. We went to mass every Sunday, sometimes multiple times a week. God was my rock. Any time I had a problem, I just gave it up to God, and He solved it for me. Anytime I saw something bad, or negative, or anti-Christian, I gave it up to God. God will Take Care of Us All And Solve All Our Problems. He solved all my problems. I prayed to Him to keep my family safe. He did. I prayed to him to let me into graduate school. He did. I prayed to Him to not let me be pregnant. He did!

Wow!God gives me everything I want!I thought.I wonder if I can hack it without God? So I decided to give up relying on God for Lent.

Week 1 was hard. I saw two homeless people begging for money. One of them had a dog. I couldn’t ask God to take care of them.  But if God wasn’t going to take care of them, who would? So instead, I bought them hot dogs. The dog too. That’s not cannibalism, is it?

My parents were flying somewhere for a vacation. Oh no! i can’t pray to God to keep their plane safe! I paced in circles, terrified that the plane would crash without God’s assistance and constant oversight. I constantly refreshed cnn.com’s homepage, certain that they’d die. But no. They landed safely. Weird. Someone else must have been praying.

A few other minor things happened. My dogs didn’t run away, nobody died, I didn’t get cancer, I didn’t fall down the stairs and break my neck, my car continued to run, I didn’t lose my job, and they even renewed Breaking Bad for another season!!!!!!!!!!!

Week 2.

Things were going okay without God’s intervention. I had a sacrilegious thought of ‘what was the point of even praying to Him, if He was going to do all of these things anyway.’ But i realized it couldn’t be sacrilegious because I’d given up God for Lent. How great! I wonder what other things I can do?

That weekend, I got really drunk and danced in a cage suspended from the ceiling at Shooters II, a classy disgusting bar for college students in Durham. Because you know what, God wasn’t going to punish me! Because i’d given him up! Ha God! Take That!

The next morning, as I knelt in front of the Porcelain Gods, I was sure that other God was punishing me. I thought about praying to God to not let me die, please not let me die, and I’d be a good Christian every day, but i didn’t pray. I resisted the urge. Because I am nothing if not strong willed. And guess what. In spite of my non-prayers, I didn’t die. The tequila stains even came out of my skirt after only one wash cycle.

Week 3.

I started to actually listen during Biology 101 instead of trying to figure out whether the world was 6,543 years old, or 6,547 years old. (There is a line in Genesis that is unclear). This week was on Evolution.HA! SACRILEGIOUS FRIPPERY! CARBON DATING IS BULLSHIZ!But wait. I’ve given up God for Lent. I opened up my mind to Science.

My brain did a flip flop when I allowed the evidence to seep in. Evolution was real. Wow. There were no non-religious, science based arguments against it. Wow. I was speechless. My mouth hung open a little bit. The fossil record….current evidence of geographical separation causing speciation….carbon dating……it was all real……….

I couldn’t stop thinking of those homeless people. God wasn’t going to take care of them. I had to do something. So I built a homeless shelter and a soup kitchen and got some of my rich friends’ parents to endow the shelter so it could run for 10 years. SNAP. Several of the residents had severe, untreated medical conditions. God wasn’t going to take care of them, so I got them medical insurance.SNAP. Who needs you, God, anyway?

Week 4

The doctors found a tumor on my shoulder. I thought about breaking my lenten promise and praying to God, since science and medicine is all bullshiz anyway, and then decided not to, and I allowed the medical team to remove my tumor. I was pronounced cancer-free, without God.

Hmmm. My life seemed to be pretty much the same without God. Better, actually. What was God’s deal, anyway? He didn’t really seem to care if I prayed or not. Then I had a perspective shift.

Maybe it wasn’t that he was doing all those things anyway. Maybe it was just that he wasn’t ever doing anything, at all. Maybe God was just a big lazy fathead playing in the clouds and inhaling plane exhaust. Maybe he was just this selfish dude who demanded everyone worship him or he’d send them to Hell, and did nothing in return. Maybe he used to be able to handle everyones prayers, when there were only like 10 of us, but now it was just too much to handle. 7 billion is a lot, yo, even for an omnisciently omnipowerful God, and our prayers must contradict each other a lot. Maybe he was addicted to Jersey Shore and Downton Abbey and the X Factor and he’d just gone AWOL for the rest of us.


Or Maybe God doesn’t exist.