What Conservatives are Actually Thinking

Poor Mittens. He’s had two goals his entire life – 1) be a good Mormon, and 2) Become President of the Greatest Country In The Entire Universe.

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He’s excelled at being a Mormon. He’ll definitely get his own planet when he dies – maybe then he can be president. Last year he gave millions to the Church of Latter Day Saints (that means the Mormon Church, P.S.), has five blonde children (very important that they be blonde), he went to BYU, and he’s still married. To One Woman. There was a moment in his life when he considered having a harem in the traditional Mormon sense, but Goal #2 contradicted Goal #1 and so he settled for one wife at a time, unlike his rival Newt Gingrich, who is actually not Mormon but couldn’t resist taking a page out of the Mormon Playbook and got himself three wives, leaving one of them while she had cancer. Good Guy, that Newt.

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As for goal #2, of being President of the Greatest Country in the Entire Universe, well,  Bhutan and Switzerland were unavailable and so he has settled for the United States instead. He used his Mormon crystal ball to foresee that in the year 2012, politics would just be a matter of money, and so he spent his entire life becoming one of the richest men in the United States so that he could buy ads to convince Americans that he was, indeed, the best man for the job. Now he’s struggling to win over conservative America but he reassures them that he will, indeed, get the nomination BECAUSE HE HAS MORE MONEY THAN ANYONE ELSE. Gee, Mittens, what a compelling argument.

<TIME PASSES> <Romney doesn’t hate on Obama enough>

And So. Conservatives have decided that they are searching for anyone who is NOT ROMNEY. No joke. This is what is shouted over the airwaves. “Will Santorum be the next Not Romney? Could Gingrich fill the Not Romney Slot?” seriously. Because do qualifications and intelligence matter to Americans? NO. NO THEY DO NOT. Do not, for one second, think that conservatives value logic, or leadership ability, or intelligence. No. They value RHETORIC and BIAS and Xenophobia. They value Muslim-hating, anti-gay, anti-abortion, hypocritical, small minded Christians. (Mormons don’t qualify).

Anyway. So now Conservatives across the nation are voting for Santorum or Gingrich, and Romney isn’t sweeping the nation like he said he’d do with his millions. Pundits are wondering if Romney isn’t conservative enough, if maybe those people don’t like him, if maybe the Republican party is splintering into a tiny million little pieces and Romney hasn’t got an unsupervised chocolate cake’s chance at fat camp.

But it’s not that. They’d prefer Santorum. But they will still vote for Romney if he is their nominee. They hate Obama so much that they would vote for anyone, ANYONE DAMMIT, who is not Obama.

They’re just shooting themselves in the foot right now by dragging out the primary and promoting infighting. Silly Conservatives.

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