What Conservatives are Actually Thinking

Poor Mittens. He’s had two goals his entire life – 1) be a good Mormon, and 2) Become President of the Greatest Country In The Entire Universe.

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He’s excelled at being a Mormon. He’ll definitely get his own planet when he dies – maybe then he can be president. Last year he gave millions to the Church of Latter Day Saints (that means the Mormon Church, P.S.), has five blonde children (very important that they be blonde), he went to BYU, and he’s still married. To One Woman. There was a moment in his life when he considered having a harem in the traditional Mormon sense, but Goal #2 contradicted Goal #1 and so he settled for one wife at a time, unlike his rival Newt Gingrich, who is actually not Mormon but couldn’t resist taking a page out of the Mormon Playbook and got himself three wives, leaving one of them while she had cancer. Good Guy, that Newt.

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As for goal #2, of being President of the Greatest Country in the Entire Universe, well,  Bhutan and Switzerland were unavailable and so he has settled for the United States instead. He used his Mormon crystal ball to foresee that in the year 2012, politics would just be a matter of money, and so he spent his entire life becoming one of the richest men in the United States so that he could buy ads to convince Americans that he was, indeed, the best man for the job. Now he’s struggling to win over conservative America but he reassures them that he will, indeed, get the nomination BECAUSE HE HAS MORE MONEY THAN ANYONE ELSE. Gee, Mittens, what a compelling argument.

<TIME PASSES> <Romney doesn’t hate on Obama enough>

And So. Conservatives have decided that they are searching for anyone who is NOT ROMNEY. No joke. This is what is shouted over the airwaves. “Will Santorum be the next Not Romney? Could Gingrich fill the Not Romney Slot?” seriously. Because do qualifications and intelligence matter to Americans? NO. NO THEY DO NOT. Do not, for one second, think that conservatives value logic, or leadership ability, or intelligence. No. They value RHETORIC and BIAS and Xenophobia. They value Muslim-hating, anti-gay, anti-abortion, hypocritical, small minded Christians. (Mormons don’t qualify).

Anyway. So now Conservatives across the nation are voting for Santorum or Gingrich, and Romney isn’t sweeping the nation like he said he’d do with his millions. Pundits are wondering if Romney isn’t conservative enough, if maybe those people don’t like him, if maybe the Republican party is splintering into a tiny million little pieces and Romney hasn’t got an unsupervised chocolate cake’s chance at fat camp.

But it’s not that. They’d prefer Santorum. But they will still vote for Romney if he is their nominee. They hate Obama so much that they would vote for anyone, ANYONE DAMMIT, who is not Obama.

They’re just shooting themselves in the foot right now by dragging out the primary and promoting infighting. Silly Conservatives.

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So I got into the PhD program in Epidemiology at UNC last week. For years I’ve wanted to do research, write papers, get credit for being smart and all that jazz. And UNC’s public health school is ranked #2 in the country, so there is that. The thing about PhD-ness is that it’s sooooooo competitive to get a professor position afterwards (not to mention nearly impossible to raise a family with two profs in the house). I’m not the most competitive person in the world- I think my mom beat it out of me because she’s so over-the-top about winning.

Typical conversation from childhood:

Mom (1st generation korean immigrant): You get good grades. You go Harvard.

Me: k. If I get good grades, can I have my own pac-man machine?

Mom: yes yes. Anything. Good grades. Harvard.

 

Typical conversation from highschool:

Mom: You grades not good enough. You only ranked second in class of 530 people! You be first! You number one! What is number two crap!

Me: <eye roll> whatever Mom

Dad: Second is good enough. Good job getting such great grades, Melissa

Mom to Dad: <death stare>

Dad: <defensive shrug, palms up to ward off mom’s possible physical attack> She’s ranked second out of 530 people!

 

And then, when I decided to apply early to Duke:

Me: Mom, I’m going to apply early to Duke

Mom: Okay but you still go Harvard

Me: Mom, i’m not applying to Harvard. (By this age I had already developed my firm sense of anti-establishment and anti- elitism. Nothin’ against Harvard — i’ve met some wonderful people who went there. But it was too…um, well-respected, for my taste. I knew I’d never fit in.)

Mom: WHAT! MY DREAM! OUR DREAM! HARVAAAAAARRRRRDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!

And then she shot disappointment bullets directly at my heart. They’re still lodged in there. Right next to the disappointment bullets about not becoming a doctor, not being a multibillionaire by the age of 25, not being the world’s greatest pianist, not having 30 Catholic baby saints yet, etc, etc, etc.

 

And so. My mother of course thinks I should get a PhD. It’s one of her (many) life dreams. And when she found out UNC was ranked higher than Harvard she almost shat rainbows. My dad, meanwhile, thinks I should stay at home and focus on raising babies.

I, on the other hand (this whole thing IS about me, right?), want to stay at home and write fantasy stories, raise babies before my limited supply of eggs morph into unrecognizable sacks of mutant DNA Teratomas, and maybe get a job that requires max 50 hours a week. But it means walking away from my own dream, my own realistic dream. And I have to wonder if the only reason I don’t want to go is because my mom so desperately wants me to.