(One of) The Most American Thing(s) You Should Do

Join Costco. Seriously.

There are several things in life that scream,


These include: guns, lifesavers, obesity, diabetes, reality TV, heart attacks, really overpriced medical care, fast food, golden retrievers, cowboys, underpaid Mexicans, Texas, tacos (this would be ironic, but Mexico and America are actually supposed to be the same country), baseball, racism, extreme wealth gaps, ranches, Sarah Palin, idiocy, nuclear weapons, Las Vegas, ignorance, camping, being unilingual, whitewater rafting, and a desire to return everything back to the way they were in the 1950s. Oh, and, hypocritical old people is sooo classic Americana. They’re all, “don’t you dare touch my social security or my medicare! back off, you young whippasnappas!!! We are entitled to our entitlements! Oh, poor black people need some help? well, EFF THEM, they should go get themselves a J-O-B!”

Anyway. Some of these things are terrible, some of them are awesome. At the top of the awesome list is Tacos, Texas, golden retrievers, lifesavers. And, you know, I really like Sarah Palin. Now that everyone thinks she’s a nutcase and she has no chance at becoming president, she’s got that accent, and she tries so hard to be American; it’s very entertaining. I loved reading the news stories about her RV trip across America. Shes a TRUE AMERICAN. Not like that Muslim impostor, Barack Hussein Obama (you have to say that in a very southern accent). Conservatives universally hate educated people. Not sure what that’s about…

ANYWAY. There are lots of things that are equally American, or equally adopted/loved by Americans, but not considered to be uniquely American. This is because people in other countries  also have these things. These include: hybrid vehicles, friendly people, vegetarians, homosexuality, electronics, marijuana, booze, good literature and artistic expression, and progressive ideals.

However. The one thing that really stands out amongst American awesomeness, is Costco.

Here are some interesting facts about Costco:

1. 80% of your fellow shoppers are obese, which is guaranteed to make you feel better about yourself. Especially when you compare your kart-contents, and you look down at your spinach and fish fillets, and then look over and see they are purchasing a pallet of diet cokes and Twinkies.

2. Free food before 5 pm. This includes diet cokes and twinkies, spinach and fish fillets, coffee, vitamin water, berry smoothie, YOU NAME IT, they’ve offered it as a free sample. Superbowl weekend is the most fantastic weekend of the year at Costco. I’m thinking about actually hosting a pre-game party next year at Costco.  Last January, they had this huge wing table set up, with like ten people working on cooking wings, and all the different flavors laid out with celery and carrots and several different dipping sauces, and you could just grab a plate, and pile it with as many wings as you wanted! oh man, my mouth is watering just thinking about it.

3. The ceilings are, like, one mile high. You can’t even see the top. But you can see the huge pallets from across the store. There’s nothing that makes you feel like an American more than a 10′ by 10′ pallet labeled “5 HOUR ENERGY DRINK,” stacked on top of pallets of dog food for your golden retriever. While we’re on the subject of 5 hour energy drink, can we discuss the last word in the name? I thought the use of the word “drink” was just a substitute for juice – like, Orange Drink, or Grape Drink (Dave Chapelle did a hilarious piece once on the merits of grape drink). Are they trying to insinuate that “5-hour-energy” is some kind of fruit? Or were they initially trying to appeal to the demographic that consumes lots of Grape Drink? Also, whats with those commercials? Were they shot by a 5 year old who doesn’t know how to alter the color perception of their video camera? And why would you want to forgo coffee in favor of 5 hour energy drink? I LIKE supporting Honduran coffee workers every morning at 8 am. I feel at one with the world. Also it’s the only time of day I consume dairy, so I can’t switch to 5 hour energy drink or I’ll get osteoporosis. And cancer, probably–who knows whats in any product that contains the word “drink” ?

4. You can not buy anything in less than one gallon quantities. And the majority of the time you must buy at least two of any one item. This is okay if you have several freezers with lots of space.

5. You can get a hot dog for $1.50. With sauerkraut and mustard and onions and ketchup, and i swear its one foot long. Or a slice of pizza for $1.99. Or an entire pizza for $8.

6. They do not accept any credit cards except for AMERICAN EXPRESS. See that? See? I should have started with that one. Last year, American Express sent us several hundred dollars in cash back rewards. It was fantastic. (Chase Freedom is better, but thats a topic for another day).


One thought on “(One of) The Most American Thing(s) You Should Do

  1. I went to Costco this weekend to get my week’s lunch (salad, cucumbers, greek yogurt… kinda sad), and got to TOTALLY JUDGE my fellow shoppers. It was awesome.

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