Lately, I’ve been eating starbursts and peanut M&M’s by the bucketful. While I’m certainly well aware of the health impacts of consuming this non-food (Of which there are none! bahahahahah good genes!), let’s think of all of the other wonderful things that such consumption can do for yourself, your friends, and society as a whole. (DISCLAIMER. Some of the following things aren’t wonderful. I’ll leave you to decide which ones.)
1. Great Breath. Before beginning my starburst consumption, my halitosis was getting a bit out of hand. I was getting one too many anonymous emails suggesting I go to the dentist. Well, brothas and sistas, I ain’t goin’ to no dentist — I don’t have health insurance! Do you know how expensive dentists are? Maybe you should have voted for Obama TWENTY YEARS AGO if you wanted me to stop breathing my halitosis all over you. As for my part, why should I bother with listerine and tooth-brushing, when I can just ingest starbursts and breathe back out the Rainbow? I can’t go back in time and rig the elections. But I can eat all of the pink starbursts in a jumbo bag.
2. Inexpensive stool softener – no need to elaborate on this one
3. Napoleon pays lots of attention to me. Normally he ignores me or begs me to take him out to play fetch, but he has a thing for fruity bursts of goodness- starbursts, jelly bellys, skittles, gushers, oranges, you name it. Obviously I’m not going to give him any, I’m a responsible pet owner (not), but I do enjoy the way he puts his paws up on my chest and sniffs around my face, perks up his ears, and stares into my eyes, mentally communicating, “I wuv you. I weally, weally, wuv you. Can I have some pweeeeeaaaaseee??” And then sometimes he gives me tiny little kisses on my cheek, its sooo adorable.
4. Look youthful. Adults don’t eat candy. That’s ridiculous – their taste buds have evolved only to appreciate things like arugula and brussels sprouts. If you carry around a handful of starbursts, people will think you’re at least 15, no matter how many little kiddies you have trailing after you. Those little snots? Psh…those aren’t the living breathing signs of your fertility…those are your SIBLINGS!!
5. Add to America’s credit card debt, one jumbo bag at a time. Can’t scrape up three dollars and seventy nine cents from underneath your couch cushions? Didn’t write in impromptu Kroger visits to stock up on starbursts into your budget? Thats cool! Do what everyone else admitted to doing before 2008, and lies about doing now — put it on your credit card bill! It’s only $3.79 now, but in ten years it will be $24,1u3,509,130,498, and that one bag of jumbo starbursts will be the hair that broke the proverbial camel’s debt back. Good thing I started learning Chinese all those years ago. Or Spanish. I haven’t decided which country is actually going to take over America – the Chinese with their diligence, or the Mexicans with their delicious tacos and tendency towards domestic servitude (a la Brandon Sanderson’s AMAZING novel The Way Of Kings). I am personally rooting for the Mexicans but I can’t allow personal bias to sway my omniscient analysis of pure fact.
Which brings us to your next topic: Mexican takeover? NO PROBLEM. As long as they combined the US and Mexico territories into one, and then I’d live my life on the white sand beaches of Acapulco, and Amanda and I could create a joint-organic-cleaning business and service the houses of people who have growing concerns about all of the chemicals in the oxyclean and bleach that their normal servants rely on. Yessss. I am totally rooting for the Mexicans. TACOS EVERY DAY, FOR THE WIN!!!
Couldn’t figure out what was wonderful and what wasn’t? here’s a breakdown:
Getting rid of halitosis = wonderful; not going to the dentist = bad; stool softener = good, depending on your intestinal situation; look youthful = good, depending on your partner’s inclination; add to america’s credit card debt =BAD! VERY BAD! LEARN SOME SELF CONTROL; Mexican Takeover = potentially good, as long as i get to live on those white sand beaches and eat tacos for a $1 a day; Chinese Takeover = bad, probably. I love me some egg rolls but the Korean deep down inside of me still resents them for trying to take over my people hundreds of years ago.