I’m like a new mother, seeing her children talk for the first time.
I’m like an adolescent boy who has found that one little hair has sprouted on his chinny-chin-chin!!!!!!
I’m like a 22 year old balding dude who has just found a Rogaine-assisted regenerated hair on his shiny-previously-bald bald spot!!
I’m a successful gardener!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, well, so far at least. I haven’t actually produced anything edible yet, but yesterday my first baby radish seedlings popped out of the ground!
The thing about radishes is that they are supposedly super easy to grow, and are theoretically ready to harvest in 22 days. I figured, if they’re ready to harvest in 22 days, they must sprout something like twenty minutes after you put the seed in the dirt. This, it turns out, is *INCORRECT BUZZER SOUND* incorrect. Even Google says radishes sprout in 3-7 days.
3 days!? but thats, like, 71 hours and 40 minutes later than expected, at the minimum.
HELPFUL HINT: radish seeds like chilly weather, somewhere between 50 and 70, and they like to be kept constantly moist. Moist. *Shudder.* Nasty word. So they’re not full summer plants. They’re like Canadians, Siberians, and my in-laws — they wilt in a little heat. (Hence, I decided that i should plant radishes in fully half of my garden during early Spring, harvest them after 22 days, fold in some manure or compost to vitalify my dirt, and then reuse that space. GENIUS, if i may say so myself, though a bit prematurely. Who knows if it will work? This is not something I got from the internets. Also, i am not making a dig at my in-laws. But they do live in a cold and snowy part of New York.)
Because of all of this information that I harvested from the internets, I thought, well, I’m DESTINED to be the world’s most fantastic gardener, and since Evan went and got that great organic dirt from the Rock Shop, theres no way my radish seeds will wait three full days after conception to pop up out of the ground! They don’t need constant watering! Pshaw, watering is for pussies! (this, it turns out, is false, and i quickly revised this assumption, as you will see from my highly detailed and scientific activity chart below)
So every morning since planting, after i had my coffee (i’d like to say i rushed out in my jammies immediately after the sun rose and got down on eye level hands-and-knees to see whether my little offspring had shot up yet, but i’m dysfunctional before coffee and i can’t deal with Outside if its less than 50 degrees, which it has been every morning for the last week), and before I hopped in my car to go to work, I’d excitedly run over to my misshapen garden patch and squat down to eye the dirt for any signs of green. Or pink, or tan, or whatever. My neighbors and people driving by in their car probably wonder whats wrong with me, paying so much attention to my garden but neglecting to do anything about the rest of my crap yard. Well, whatever, if they want to clean up my yard, they are welcome to it! When my neighbor came over and murdered all those crazy weeds with her inorganic weed killer, did I march over and tell her to give me back my weeds? No. I privately fumed at the intrusion, but a few days later, I sobered up and wisely acknowledged that the sidewalk patch did, indeed, look much better (see first post for a full explanation of this little incident).
Here is what I saw, on my daily excursions out to my future award-winning radish patch:
Day 2 morning: dirt. No green.
Day 2 afternoon: dirt. no green.
Day 3 morning: dirt. No green.
Day 3 afternoon: dirt. No green. After day 3, i get worried. My super magical powers were supposed to have made my radishes pop up. I start obsessively watering the dirt in the morning, afternoon, night time.
Day 4 morning, day 4 afternoon: dirt. No Green.
Day 5 morning, day 5 afternoon: dirt. No Green. (at this point i start wondering if the dirt people have ripped us off and sold us no-good dirty dirt. That would be such a dirty trick.
Day 6 morning: Dirt, no green.
Day 6 afternoon: SEEDLING!!!! WOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
THAT IS ALL.